Its ok to believe, you are beautiful: 2012

This is a touch subject, you dont have to read. You can close the screen or change sites with a click of a mouse. But its time to face the facts. This is NOT ok.

I am a survivor of sexual assult

STATS: 1 in 5 survive

22 million women in the U.S. have been raped in their lifetime.

63.84% of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since the age of 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend, or date.

Only 16-38% of rape victims report to law enforcement, and only 17-43% present for medical evaluation after rape.

25,000 and 32,000 pregnancies every year come from sexual assult in the united states...

"There is a poisonous double standard in our society which says that its reverse-sexist and wrong for women to feel threatened by creepy-awkward male behavior because our fear implies that we hold the negative, stereotypical view that all men are predators, but that if we're raped or sexually assaulted by any man with whom we've had prior social interaction- and particularly if hes expressed some sexual or romantic interest in us during that time, its reasonable for observers to ask what precautions we took to prevent the assault from happening. Or to suggest that we maybe let the guy on by not stating our feelings plainly. The result is a situation where women are punished if we reject, avoid, or identify creepy men, and then told its our fault if were assaulted by someone we plainly out to have rejected, avoided, identified"

"National Crime Victimization Survey in 2010 indicates that over 2/3 of all rapes are committed by someone who is known to the victim - someone who is not a stranger. Of female rape or sexual assault victims in 2010, 25% were assaulted by a stranger, 48% were by friends or acquaintances, and 17% were intimate partners. Another research study performed the same year by the National Crime Victimization Survey indicates that during a one-year period, 3.4 million people ages 18 or older in the United States were stalked. Only 9.7% of the stalkers were strangers to the victims. Intimate partner stalkers used more insults, interfering, threats, violence, and weapons than any other type of stalker and 76% of intimate partner femicide (homicide of women) victims were stalked by their intimate partner in the year prior to the femicide. So, again, I ask, when exactly is a victim of rape supposed to KNOW that she is going to be raped or killed, allowing them to defend themselves?"

For the days ahead;

Suppression: One of your instincts will be to suppress the memories, ignore the fact of what happened. It’s allowed. There is no right or wrong way to feel better, but if ignoring it helps you cope - it’s a start. As long as you know this will come back, it’s ok to put it away for a week or two. It is not the healthiest thing, to put away all your emotions like this but if you actively suppress the memories, you’re actively working on coping. And…it’s a start. But it’ll come back and that is something you need to know. Everyone will not recommend this method, but I know how it works…and it’s going to be your first instinct. And you will probably do it, whether you are aware of it or not.

Seek Outside Help: You are feeling alone, and you’re feeling down. You need to talk, but fear what friends or family will say or think of you. Perhaps the easiest way to talk about it, for some people, is to bring it to a stranger. If they say something you don’t like, you can always walk away and forget them. www.fcasv.org (or 1-888-956-7273, if you are in the US) is a helpful resource that will help you find a rape crisis program. These programs will find you counseling and other resources. If you have a trusted counselor who already knows you, perhaps they can assist you as well.

Find a support group. Much like AA, there are groups that are lead by a licensed counselor dedicated to bringing together survivors to discuss coping techniques, and life after their attack.

Realizations: These are things multiple people will tell you, and they’re true. This was not your fault. It is ok to feel upset, sad, angry. It is ok to cry. It is ok to hit things in rage. It is ok to let yourself have feelings when it comes your attack. Do not compare your assault to another persons. If you think your assault is any less significant then someone else’s assault, you are wrong. Never tell yourself you don’t have the “right” to be this upset - what you went through is very real, and you cannot erase your experiences.

Community: You are not alone. Google will you help you find many online communities dedicated to helping you. There are cha trooms and other online safe spaces. Tumblr has many survivors who are open about their experiences and willing to help those in need. Perhaps you can confide in them - as someone who has gone through this experience, they can tell you how they began to cope and see if it works for you. Facebook is also home to Grrrlvirus, which is open to female-identified people, which has many people who speak out.

Find a “mantra”: A mantra is a statement that you repeat over and over again. When I start having a panic attack after being triggered, I repeat the same statement over again. I use it to “bring myself back” to reality, to affirm that I am safe. I’ve gone through a few mantras in my process of healing - starting with “It’s not my fault.” “I am ok.” “I am safe.”

Channeling your emotions: Sometimes your emotions are too much to handle, and then you need to let them out. Talking is one way, but sometimes you can’t begin to vocalize how you feel. Scream. Cry. Write it out - poetry, blog posts, diaries, journaling, etc. Create artwork - paint splatters, collages, etc. Fight it out - (although I don’t recommend attacking people…) take classes at the gym that force you to use a lot of energy, get a punching bag (or use a pillow). Find small stress relievers (I like to rip things up…that’s a little strange, I’m sorry).
FIND SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
Begin Confiding: If there is one person you trust more than anyone, they can be the first person you choose to confide in. Over time, you will share your experience with others and this is a healing process.
Partners/Relationships: If you are in a relationship when this occurs, or when you feel triggered - you need to let your partner know about certain things. What can they do to make you feel better? What should they avoid doing around you? And listen, it’s ok to put the relationship on hold. You have to come first.
“Feeling Dirty”: I recently read about this and it may help someone who is fact driven. It’s common for survivors to feel “dirty” or unclean. Again, it’s allowed. Your body was violated against your will and you don’t know how to fix it. The top layer of your skin sheds about every 4 weeks, meaning that in 4 weeks your skin has not been touched by your attacker. If you feel yourself panicking or feeling unclean, sit own and calculate how many weeks have passed. Your skin, it’s new layer, has never been touched by your attacker.
If you are worried about triggers, find situations to avoid them until you think you are prepared: Airports are triggering. Any movie rated R will potentially have something triggering. Dramatic TV shows (looking @ you Grey’s Anatomy) will eventually introduce a triggering plot.
If you feel the need to take precautions, do so. There are products that are concealed weapons, which you can carry on you when you leave your home. Invest in tougher locks on your doors and check them when you feel unsafe. Carry your keys in your hand, with the keys going in between your fingers. Wear thick, heavy rings. Buy thicker curtains. Take a self defense class. If any of this helps you feel safer or in control - then by all means, do so. You are not being paranoid - you are adapting to your new situation as a survivor. Over time, you may relax with these precautions but remember that you are in control of when and how you do this.
Leave town for a few days. Stay with family. Get away from the city or neighborhood where your assault occurred. It’s a mental health vacation - you need to get away from the negative memories at first.
Take a day to yourself. Stay in for the day. Sleep in, read a good book, eat all the fast food you want, take bubble bath, stay in your safe space. This is not a long term solution, but it helps if you are feel particularly down.
If you fear loneliness, seek out company. There is no reason to punish yourself by isolating yourself. If you feel the need to see people, it’s allowed. Call the people you trust the most, or, if you struggle to build trust, hang out with acquaintances in very public, open spaces.
I don’t know if this works for everyone, but I found that cleaning my apartment (throwing out a LOT of things that cluttered it up). Actually throwing things out made me feel really good. So cleaning. Or redecorating.
Recreate your safe space.If your room, or your apartment, is where you feel the safest - feel free to redecorate it in a way that makes it feel like a completely new space. One where you can “start over”. This can be hanging up new posters, changing the sheets…anything.
Invest some time in DIY projects. Or learning new skills. I know this sounds lame and useless, but by creating productivity I found that it helped “bring me back to reality” somewhat.
Read. I found that taking an activist approach helped me cope…but this was a very long time after my attack. Zines and feminist literature address how we live in a rape culture. They helped me cope because I just like facts and figures, some sort of structure.
Go to the police if you think it will help you cope.. There are cops who have special training when it comes to sexual assault survivors.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Friday, September 7, 2012

Thursday, August 9, 2012